I'm scared. Are you?
On how we ought to embrace vulnerability to conquer fear.
Dearest readers, I hope you all are well. Today’s post follows my usual format and all. As you all know, for the past two weeks, I’ve been writing reflections, but I’ll be coming back to my usual now. This post talks about the necessity of vulnerable feelings and our ability to deal with fear. I trust that you all will find meaning in this post and soak in the message. Enjoy!
Fear
Fear has shattered my home.
It has taken me away from my own
self
Whether it is,
whether it is not
mine to keep,
I know not
and will not,
until,
unless
it has left my soul.
Oh, garden of my spirit!
What would I give
to see you sacred again?
Oh, light of my heart!
What would I give
to see you alive again?
Dear liberty,
call me to yourself,
and consume me
with your poison.
Let it kill me.
Let it rebirth me.
Let it reform me.
Let it set me free.
Let’s break it down:
Fear has shattered my home.
It has taken me away from my own
self
Whether it is,
whether it is not
mine to keep
I know not
and will not,
until,
unless
it has left my soul,
To begin, “fear” is mentioned as if it’s a person. It has said to have “shattered my home,” which paints a rather ugly image. "Home” is a place of security and unity, and when a “home is shattered," it no longer remains such a place. Here, home simply refers to this sense of security within us that allows us to make peace with ourselves and the environment around us. “Fear” impedes such positivity.
Furthermore, the line “It has taken me away from my own self” goes on to portray how, when in a state of fear, we tend to become irrational and sometimes even idealistic. “Fear” induces negative feelings and provokes mistrust. In severe situations, we can lose our connection with ourselves and become reluctant to trust our instincts and senses.
Moreover, in the next couple of lines: “Whether... my soul,” how “fear” comes with a or because of a feeling of uncertainty. This feeling leaves us in a state of utter confusion. Now, we all know that “fear” and uncertainty do not go well together, but as they do come together, we have no choice but to endure.
* * *
The fear I intended to refer to over here is the one that comes from uncertainty and pain. Sometimes life really gives us its worst, and we’re forced to reside in darkness. However, life has a knack for switching up, and sooner than later, we can see the light again. But that’s not what I’m going to talk about. I want to talk about the part in between. The part when you’re in the dark and there is this little beam of light seeping in. That part (in my opinion) is the worst because it's flooded with uncertainty and denial.
Once you’ve been in the dark for too long, that seeing that beam of light becomes hard. And because it’s not really helping us completely, we get put off by its scarcity.
We’re afraid that it might abandon us. We’re afraid that that little beam of light might disappear. We’re scared that it won't be as good as it seems.
Instead of giving us hope, it gives us fear. Why?
What if I told you that it doesn’t give you anything, that it merely just exists?
You see, these signs don’t really do anything and don’t hold a specific meaning. It is up to us to choose. We can see the positive and find hope, or we can see the negative and lose hope. That’s the power of perception. That’s the power of us.
But it is not wrong to feel afraid. That is normal, and it is human. We have to feel afraid to become aware of ourselves. We have to experience fear and learn its ways so that we can defeat it. We have to try.
“Fear doesn't shut you down; it wakes you up”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent
Oh garden of my spirit!
What would I give
to see you sacred again!
Oh light of my heart!
What would I give
to see you alive again!
The first stanza above uses exclamatory phrases to express desperate feelings and determination that ignite from within when all seems to be lost. This epitomises all feelings and emotions that come from within. Religious jargon can be seen as words such as “garden,” "spirit,” and “sacred” being used. The line “What would I give?” further showcases the yearning for things to be alright again.
Similarly, the second stanza focuses more on the “heart!” as such situations cause one to feel vain. So vain that one begs to be “alive again.”
* * *
It is okay to be desperate for such grimness to wear off. Because it really does get shitty sometimes. When it feels like it’s just getting darker and darker and darker. When it gets so dark it’s ironic.
Because we need a break from sadness. We need to breathe.
But we must understand that sometimes even sadness itself helps us to take a break from life.
Sometimes when life gets so overwhelming and happy that we struggle to cope with it. Everything around us seems so good; we start to fake that we’re good too, instead of harnessing our true feelings. That’s when sadness does not feel like a break because that’s when it comes down pouring in the form of heavy showers.
On the other hand, if we let ourselves welcome sad feelings every once in a while, it might actually be good for us. That way, we can honour our true emotions and stay sane.
We have to remember that shutting down those sad feelings is not the solution that may result in happiness. We need to feel sadness to feel joy. We have to know how to be sad in order to know how to be happy. That’s just the way it works.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
― Nelson Mandela
Dear liberty,
call me to yourself,
and consume me
with your poison
Let it kill me.
Let it rebirth me.
Let it reform me.
Let it set me free.
Lastly, the first stanza here addresses “liberty” as if it were a person, which displays a form of wishful thinking in which one wishes it were a person so that it could be accessed easily, so that it could be a call away. The next few lines harbour a negative connotation in order to express submission and hopelessness. Such a proposal is highly paradoxical, as becoming a slave to liberty defies the concept of liberty altogether.
Lastly, the poem ends with the anaphora “Let it” and the epiphora "me." Such a rhythm further goes on to express keenness. The word“kill” contrasts with the word "rebirth,” which goes on to show helplessness. And the last line leaves us all confused, strangled up in an unlikely paradox.
* * *
Now, who doesn’t desire freedom? Well, yes, someone who’s free. But what does that mean?
Because, as far as I know, no one’s free. We’re all slaves to something. We’re slaves to our desires, perceptions, duties, impressions, reputations... and the list goes one. What I’m trying to say is that if we desire something we can never have, we are bound to be disappointed.
You can go on and say that you’ve developed your character and are very aware of your thoughts, but keep in mind that not one of us is perfect. At some point, we’re all doing something wrong, and although there is nothing wrong with that, we shouldn’t shy away from accepting that.
So, when we’re in pain and we’re wishing for freedom (from that pain), we should keep in mind that that’s not possible. Even seeking freedom from pain is irrelevant because, in one way or another, we’ll always feel pain.
“Fear is a phoenix. You can watch it burn a thousand times and still it will return.”
― Leigh Bardugo, Crooked Kingdom
Now, this doesn't mean that you remain hopeless and silently reside in pain. It just means that you have to learn to live with it. You have to learn how to not let it impede your life.
We have to remember that pain is a feeling that will always be there because it’s necessary for our growth. It helps us become empathic and conscious. Without pain, we’d be zombies. And without fear we’d be happy lunatics.
Fear is complicated if nothing else. Our job is to adapt a more positive point of view and learn to conquer it. It is not possible to achieve this overnight, so we must take our time and keep trying to be better. We mustn’t worry too much, but we must worry enough to take up this challenge.
“Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'
'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
Feel free to share this post if you think it might help someone, and leave a comment down below to share your thoughts.
Thank you for reading!
P.S. I hope you understood what I was trying to say.
What a beautifully helpful prayer. I so often experience fear, especially when I am publishing something vulnerable. Thank you for sharing this
If a person ever told you they have no fears, you should never trust that person. If they ever told you about how they conquered their fears, then you should trust them.
Great poem, Ayesha.